Scandalous Holiday Survival Guide

The holiday season is a time of joy, love, and giving. It’s also the time of year when I look (and feel) my worst. My summer glow is gone and I can no longer get away with throwing on a sundress and lipgloss and looking half decent.

By this time of year I’m usually carrying an extra 3-5 turkey pounds and have serious bags and circles under my eyes. There have undoubtedly been 2-3 disgusting contagious episodes at my home that required late nights and every-other-day-whole-house disinfecting.

So, by the time the office party, woman’s group, or NYE bash rolls around, I look like death warmed over. And to top it off, I won’t have anything to wear since I’m trying to coordinate a whole outfit around the one pair of closed toe dress pumps I have because my pedicure ritual got thrown out with the Thanksgiving leftovers.

BUT, this year I pledge to take better care of myself and I even have a plan. I call it: Holiday Slay and Survive. Feel free to slay along with your girl (that’s me).

DISCLAIMER: These tips are for the desperate and devoted. No half-assed efforts should be attempted.

Survive/Slay Tip 1:

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. That’s right, fake an injury. This is crucial to your survival this holiday season. If you’re like me, you have a hard time saying “no”. However, with a neck brace or foot boot, you need only say, “sorry, can’t this year” and send a pathetic picture of you in your neck brace. This scandalous action will buy you many extra hours to focus on what matters most…your sanity!

Survival/Slay Tip 2:

“Home Alone 2”. This is gross, but trust me. You will need to put this in motion early December. Discover a “pest” problem. Start casually asking and posting about getting rid of your chosen “pest”. This should yield two results: 1. Less holiday visitors 2. Quality time at home alone. When you find yourself needing some alone time then drop the bomb…everyone ELSE will need to leave the house for AT LEAST six hours so that you can “bomb” the pests. Once they are safely away, pour a drink, turn on your favorite music, and have fun at home ALONE!

Survival/Slay tip 3:

“Flat as a Pancake”. Need some extra shopping time for that perfect holiday dress? Use the “flat pancake” early one Saturday morning. Make sure to have some cereal and milk stocked. While your loving partner is sleeping in and the kids are arguing over the tablet, sneak out and send this text: “ran to the store to get mix for peppermint pancakes, brb”. On the “way” to the “store”, get a “flat” tire. Send this text: “ugh, got a flat…called roadside assistance…cereal and milk in the fridge 😢”. You now have a good two hours of unmonitored shopping time!

Survival/Slay Tip 4:

“Feed the Needy”. When I say “needy” I mean you! Volunteer at your community food bank or kitchen. Schedule a two hour shift but block out five hours of away time. After doing your service, take yourself to lunch at your favorite restaurant. You may even have enough time to squeeze in a quick pedicure!

Survival/Slay Tip 5:

“Blame Game”. What’s the point of having kids if you can’t use them as the occasional scape goat? Exactly, no point. If you’re tired of cooking holiday dishes, tell everyone you are honoring your newly vegan kid with an all vegan holiday menu. If they ask what you’re cooking say, “Tofurkey, kale casserole, and four ‘cheese’ macaroni”. This will guarantee less guests and maybe even some sympathy invitations to someone else’s dinner!

Use these tips wisely, but above all else, remember to care for yourselves during the holidays. Wishing you all a joyous, peaceful, loving, restful, and FUN holiday season! #liveinlove

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